A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Artist
Reflecting on two portraits, seven years apart
Friends,
Just as the gulls were see-sawing across some unbelievably blue sky, the breeze was sweeping away the final hints of sunscreen from our collective memory, and I found myself strolling through the gleaming city I once called home.
September in New York City is satisfying like ironing the corners of a handkerchief, or aligning sheets of paper, usually ten or more, and tapping them onto a wooden desk. There is something neat and Virgo about these things, which is perhaps why I chose this time of year for the photo shoot.
Winding back to 2018
The last time I had portraits taken, it was to mark my transformation from fashion marketing chick to graphic design androgyne. My friend Chelsea, who I used to work with in the fashion world, helped me make stark, elegant pictures à la Irving Penn, which was a request of mine.
Uploading my favorite photo from the shoot to my LinkedIn profile felt like the final step in my transformation. I wince at how corporate that just sounded—apologies—but even then in my twenties, I seemed to know that a portrait session is more than just headshots.
It is an arrival.
Stepping into my identity as an artist
Last year, while I was blank-staring into a half-baked void of a visual essay draft, I had the sudden realization that I was doing the work of an artist. That I had become an artist. That I am an artist! And I’ll probably be doing this for the rest of my life.
A little bit after this discovery, which was probably shocking to no one but me, I received an email asking for my author’s headshot. When I went to retrieve the photo, I found a very different version of Haruka looking back at me and thought, whoah, who is this person coming to visit me from the past?
At the time, these photos helped me see myself as an art director doing the New Yorky thing in NYC. Someone who could get away with being quirky in the corporate world. But ohhhh has that era passed, my loves!
I now spend my days looking up words I thought I knew the definitions of and being wrong, pencil-sketching medusas, and painting a bat delivering heart-shaped cookies to their beloved. So yeah, whether I liked it or not (and let’s be honest, I love it), I was an artist. To mark this arrival, I knew exactly who to contact: Mengwen Cao.
Here we are
Through portrait photography, Meng creates what they call “a ritual of presence and returning to self.” They design an intentional container where their subjects feel comfortable to express the self they want to be.
It was in 2018, perhaps just as I was getting my other portraits taken, that I first encountered their work. My sweetie shared Meng’s film project Here We Are with me, and I responded with tears rolling down my cheek. In the piece, Meng pre-records a coming out letter to their parents and later watches the recorded letter with them on FaceTime. Meng has been creating spaces of healing through their artwork for many years.
Tender, honest, dreamy.
To me, that is the personality of the thread that runs through Meng’s work. And I got to experience this for five months as we built our container for the portrait session together. During that time, I received prompts from Meng that required deep, quiet thinking by an open window at my local library:
What do you do that connects you to other humans and beyond?
What message or medicine would you like to offer to your community?
What world are you working towards, dreaming up and desiring to belong to?
Who are you becoming?
Sitting with such questions really helped me figure out not just my vision for the portrait session, but who I wanted to be and how I wanted to live my life:
I stand on earth, powered by sun, speak in moon, digest with fire.
I am the blood of water, the breath of forests, the gut of metal.
I am a hope bender who brings to light the interconnectedness of all beings.
I am me. I am here.
This is the poem I wrote in preparation for my portrait session. A poem that continues to power the art I create.
When it was time to be guided by Meng into the world of sun and shadow, I felt as though all of my selves, from the past, present, and future, had gathered under the mother tree where our session began.
Wearing a samue, a traditional relaxed outfit worn by monks and craftspeople in Japan, also made me feel at home, as if I had returned to my spiritual self.
Meng guided me through a meditation to connect with the land, and I could feel roots growing from the bottom of my feet and stretching deep into the earth.
From there, everything flowed.
Quite literally, for the next few hours, as Meng witnessed me greeting trees and playing with the sun, I felt like a leaf being guided by the flow of a gentle stream. Under Meng’s tender gaze, the artist had come to life.
As the last flecks of orange sailed back into the horizon, we gathered our things from the mother tree and shuffled over to a cozy restaurant nearby.
I was very unprepared for what came next: the freshest salmon I had ever tasted in my life! Well of course I cried! Can a day get any better? Being seen by Meng and later sharing a delicious meal with them, clinking little cups of sake… I felt like a tiny flower god on a pink poofy cloud.
So you see, this portrait session was more than just headshots. It was a stroke in time witnessed, an envisioning and realization of the future.
I am an artist.
Soul spark ✨
What’s been inspiring me lately
This month, I’m sharing the work of my friend Tommasi, a composer and musician in windy, magical Iceland. I have been a big fan of his work ever since finding his music on NTS Radio.
Over on Instagram, we debuted our first collaboration, in which Tommasi selected music to accompany my last Letters from Earthling piece about Raoul Minot. As I have always thought of my art going together with music, I see this as an exciting expansion of how my art can live.
I love listening to his sets while writing letters or getting lost in the aisles of a grocery store. I hope you enjoy the music too.
From your hibernating hope bender,
Haruka